Recently I’ve been updating my resume. Initially I did this to submit with my application to the Greater Kansas City Writing Project (I got in, y’all – hooray for writing!) but when I was writing my cover letter, I started thinking about how hard it is for me to talk myself up. I’m almost 35. I thought I was far away from the days of insecurity and false advertisement. I mean, I think at this age you get what you get. I might have been able to sell you something different or flashy ten years ago, but not today…not only would you not believe it, I don’t have the energy anymore to pretend I’m someone I’m not. I got really frustrated putting my resume together because for a potential employer, it looks on paper as if I’ve not really done very much with my life. I’ve had two jobs that are worthy of noting in my resume – as much as I learned from bartending and waiting tables, I don’t think they have much to do with writing or who I am now in my life. The rest of my time? I’ve spent much of it in school – man, UMKC should thank me for all the money I’ve dumped at them just for being a nerd. Here is what I would like to share on my resume that I can’t or won’t: I gave birth. That should be worthy of note, I think. I had a med student shove a foot long needle in my spine and then I gave birth. BIRTH…you know, birth. Twice.
I nursed my babies and changed their diapers and got up with each of them multiple times a night. One of my girls (I won’t name names, Lucy) didn’t sleep through the night until she was 13 months old. We were so excited when she finally did that I got knocked up again. I have cleaned up barf and poop and boogers and more spilled food and drink than I would care to recall. I have read Goodnight Moon 1,368 times. I can cook the shit out of a chicken nugget. I am the mother of a child who has food allergies and because of that I have learned more about food and nutrition than I care to share. Seriously, I am a plethora of ridiculous food based knowledge. I can multitask like nobody’s business. I can talk on the phone while changing a diaper and cooking dinner and wiping a nose. I wash my hands 68 times a day. I make a good princess and an even better superhero. I can drive safely while two children sing at the top of their lungs to Lady Gaga. I can name every one of the Seven Dwarves, all of Dora’s friends (even that crazy taxi driving squirrel) and, sadly, I know what happens in every Disney movie released in the past three decades. I can make a mean glass of super chocolatey chocolate milk. I give fantastic hugs.
I started to get down on myself when I was looking at my resume and at what I considered my lack of experience, but then I just got irritated that I couldn’t figure out how to include any of the stuff I just listed without sounding crazy. It looks on my resume like I spent much of my adult life unemployed. When, in reality, I work for two of the biggest hard-asses around. I’m going to teach them how to talk their mama up, because I should use my girls as references.