Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Oh, people. Where do I even begin with this story?? Yesterday, I caught the tail end of a news story that shocked me. I was upstairs putting laundry away when I walked in and saw it, and because I was upstairs, I couldn’t rewind what I saw, so I spent the better part of a day trying to figure out if this story was for real. You guys. These people tattooed their five kids. Children – ages seven to seventeen – and they did it with a guitar string Magyvered into a little motor deal. Wait. What? If I’m doing the math right, these two booger eaters were smart enough to figure out how to connect a guitar string through a motor and use it to physically alter their children’s skin, but they never stopped to think that they might be doing something wrong? Seriously. What is wrong with people?
And this, THIS is why I completely believe in Darwinism. It’s called thinning the herd, y’all. When asked about the tattoos, the mother (who, if I did the math right on this, is only about 12 years older than her eldest child) says, “I don't understand why this got blowed up so big. I love my children. We'd never do anything to harm our kids.” I would like to go on about this, but I am struck nearly speechless by the absurdity of this story. And so, you should just watch for yourself. I will also remind you that I’m a girl who has five tattoos. Five. I’m certainly not opposed to them, I’m only opposed to morons who think it’s fine to make these types of decisions for their children.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants..."
But not just regular farts, I'm talking the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is angry, and says: "one day honey, you are going to fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as his wife is preparing turkey for Sunday lunch, the husband falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then goes back to cooking the turkey. Later that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asked his wife.
"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."
"What did you do?" asked his wife.
"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"
The wife rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"
The husband says, "TOUCHDOWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"
A few minutes later the wife lets out a scorcher.
Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lies there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."