Zoe is a Quaran-teen

Dear Zoe, 

You are having a birthday during the strangest time in your life thus far. It’s really the strangest time in anyone’s life, to be fair. There’s a pandemic happening in the world. A virus called Covid-19 that is incredibly contagious, and potentially deadly. As of right now (March 29^th) we’ve been stuck at home for almost two weeks, and we have at least another three weeks to go. Maybe more. Life, as we’ve all known it, has come to a complete stand still: no school for you, working at home for me, and so many things you were looking forward to this spring have been cancelled. It is going to be weird to have a birthday during this time. We’ve made plans for your day to be fun despite what’s happening all around us, and you have been amazingly flexible and easy going about it, which isn’t always in your nature – let’s be honest. I’ve joked that your love of video games, drawing, and not wanting to leave the house means that you’ve been in training for your whole life for this quarantine we are under. But honestly, you seem to be the one out of all of us who is rolling with the punches and taking all of this in stride. I’m so thankful for that. 

Zoe, you are not always a kid who rolls with punches. I don’t think it’s any surprise to anyone that I wrote that. You are stubborn and feisty, and you are not down to take anyone’s bullshit. Like, ever. The same qualities that drive me to tears some days are also the qualities in you that I envy. I could be holding a yellow flower, and you will tell me it’s red. You’ll insist I am wrong, roll your eyes, tell me again that I’m wrong, and then go slam a door to prove your point. Each time something like this happens, it leaves me wondering about my perspective. Which isn’t always a bad thing, really. Frustrating, but not a bad thing. When stuff like this happens, it always makes me wonder about who you’ll be in 10 years. I hope this fire within you stays. I hope that you’re able to funnel that into something that you feel passionately about, and that what seems to me sometimes as frustrating stubbornness will help you fight oppression or injustices.

 I often joke that you’re the coolest 13-year-old I know, but it’s true. You have an eclectic taste – in music, clothing and cosplay, and it’s so interesting to watch you love those things and seemingly not care what other people think. You are awesome at doing makeup, transforming yourself into amazing characters. I’m excited to see what you’ll do with that in the future. You are a video game champion, and while some people may scoff at that, I see you learning all kinds of useful skills through those games. You have a keen sense of equity. Sometimes I just mean in this house when you tell me that something you sister gets to do IS NOT FAIR, but I also see it in other parts of your life. You are a noticer. You watch situations at school, and in the media, and you are outraged when people are mistreated. I have never been silent about my thoughts on justice, or injustice – but you have your own thoughts about these things and it makes me incredibly proud to watch you navigate that.

These are weird times, kiddo. It’s hard for me right now to be the grown up in the house, and to have you look to me for answers when I don’t know any more than you do right now. Just yesterday, I read an article in which someone wrote, “We will need to become more like dogs, giddily hopping into the car when we have no idea where it's heading…” and I keep thinking about that, because that is just exactly what we have to do right now. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring, or even whether you’ll be able to finish the 7^th grade with your friends. I don’t know when Alice Cooper might come back, since his tour that we were so looking forward to was cancelled. I’m not sure if Comic-Con can happen, even in August. Lordy, I hope it can. But I do know that tomorrow you’ll turn 13, and nothing can change that. We’ll celebrate in the ways we can – with our own little quarantined family, and we’ll be thankful for things like FaceTime so that you may see your friends. And you, like the giddy dog, will hop into thirteen and see where it takes you. I love you, sweet Zoe Margaret. I am so proud to be your mama.

Quarantine: Week 2

Today has been hard. The girls have been with their dad since last Wednesday, and it’s just been me and Gregg here at my house. It’s been a LOT of alone time for me. I love being alone, don’t get me wrong. I think I went about 8 years where I was never alone for a single minute, so I’ve learned over the last several years post-divorce to really savor my alone time. But. I’m not a fan of mandated alone time, and I think that’s the difference now. I thrive when I’m surrounded by people. I get ideas from other people, I am used to being in the middle of a huge group of little people, or a group of teachers. I’m used to having at least one night a week where I’m out with friends. We have a standing monthly meetup with friends that we call our Sunday Funday group. My point is that all of this alone time is really starting to wear on me. I am currently on a group text with 10 people that would typically make me lose my mind. TEN PEOPLE. Three weeks ago, a group text with ten people would make me stab someone. But those other 9 ladies have been like a lifeline for me this week, and I love the way we’ve managed to stay connected and invested in each other during this time. It has helped me more than I even realized before writing this. 

I spent much of the day in the basement for the first time since last Friday. Over the weekend, I decided to take a break from the cleaning for my mental health, but I'd also tweaked my back in some way so I really wanted to rest it. Today I was back at it, and it’s taking me way longer than I’d anticipated. There are about 40 Rubbermaid tubs in the basement. You’d think that would mean it's organized. Nope. I’ve had to go through every single one of them, because in the first three I dug through, I found really important family photos and memories that need to be saved. The other 99% of the tubs are garbage. Literal garbage. But since I now know there could be important things hiding, I’ve decide to go through each mother fucking tub. So yes, that has not only taken more time, it’s taken WAY more emotional space than I’d anticipated. Emotional space that should be held right now for being alone during a quarantine. Emotional space that might be used for wondering what the fuck is actually going on in the world and how we’ll all get through this. Suffice it to say, I’m spent. I’ve found great things. Photos. Letters. All of the little intricate puzzle pieces that make my story mine. And that, frankly, has been a lot to take on this week. I hadn't realized maybe how much until tonight.

One of the highlights of the last week and weekend has been a nightly Facebook live show from my favorite songwriter, Travis Meadows. If you’ve not heard him, please do yourself a favor and click on his name right back there – read about his story. Travis is doing a “Hope Cast” each night on social media, and while I’ve loved all of them, tonight it was exactly what I needed. His music really spoke to me and this place I’m in right now. This place we are all in right now. He sang Amazing Grace first. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard that song without having a full on ugly cry. It’s just so beautiful and brings back so many memories for me. And so, tonight I had an ugly cry. I think I needed it. Then, he sang Old Ghosts. I’m going to try to link the video for you below. So often I say, “I believe in things that I can’t see” about stuff that happens to me, and that is a line from this song. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the old ghosts I’ve been digging up this week in my basement. There is stuff that is ready to be thrown out, and there are old ghosts hiding in those tubs that have made me exactly who I am today. Tonight, Travis said, “While we are going through this fire, let it refine you – work on yourself.” I’m trying to do just that, and though the timing might be bad, or probably even just a little stupid in these first weeks of quarantine, I know I’ll be thankful in the end.

Later, he said, “Call your friend who’s an asshole. It was his fault, but he’s not gonna call you.” And those are some good words of advice, as well.

Heading into week two of quarantine. Week one of full on shelter in place in KCMO. I wish you well, my friends, and please know you’re not alone in this mess.

Quarantine. Week 1

My kids are still asleep. In my bed, no less, with the dog. This is the new normal, I guess. No school.  “Working” from home. We are now in complete pandemic mode. And I’ll be honest? If this virus doesn’t take me down, my anxiety about it will. I was told I should write about it, so here is my attempt at that. I’m fucking freaked out, y’all. I’m not so worried that I will contract the virus – though when Gregg was here last night and began talking about his allergies, I went full on crazy mode in my head thinking about WHAT IF IT’S NOT ALLERGIES?? I have to stop looking at the news.

I’m trying to take things in stride. Once I found out that I wasn’t going to have to use my new and not very plentiful PTO time to cover this mess, and I would still get paid, I could relax a little. When this stuff began happening – SO quickly – it was suggested to me that I’d have to take my leave to cover time off. I’ve been at my job for 9 weeks. I hardly even know what I’m doing there yet, and I certainly don’t have PTO build up. On the other hand, I’ve also finally gotten myself into a financial situation that doesn’t make me want to jump out of a window every month, and the news of this quarantine made me worry that that would also go out the window. I should be ok financially…if I turn off the one-click Amazon shopping.

I’m trying to teach the girls some new things while we are all here together. Lucy is learning to cross stitch, and Zoe wants to needlepoint. We’ve watched movies and had meals together. I feel like I work in a really small and not very good restaurant, I’m cooking so much. We’ll all probably gain a thousand pounds in the next weeks and months. I’m not worrying about school. It’s my livelihood, education, but I’m not someone who thinks the actual four walls of school is where the learning has to happen. You want to learn? Bake something. Learn a new craft. Write a story. Hell, play a video game. I said it. My kids have mastered the Nintendo and I believe that takes a lot of math, and spatial awareness, and also stamina. I think those are skills that will serve them well, despite the nerdery it took to build them.  

I had a dumpster delivered today. My timing is spectacular, of course. My friends have been offering to help me with a basement overhaul for YEARS, and I picked the one time they’re all at home and can’t help. I also picked perhaps the most emotionally charged activity to do during the most anxious time I’ve had in years. Smart. My basement is still full of Steve’s things. I’ve created paths around it for years and haven’t let myself look too closely at the tubs and boxes of shit because I knew how angry and resentful it would make me. It’s time to get over that and get rid of the stuff. I have ghosts living in this house and it’s beyond time to get them out of here. So, that’s what I’m doing while we are quarantined.

I am trying to see this as a time to put my life back together, not as the time when it all falls apart. There’s a fine line between the two, really. I’m trying not to look too far ahead. I’m lucky in that I have a job where I can work from home and I will continue to get paid. But I have an abundance of friends who either work in the service industry or own their own businesses. I can’t imagine the stress they are under right now. I feel selfish for writing about my anxiety, but I think it’s important to value everyone’s struggle right now. Mine isn’t not valid because someone else has it worse. It’s ok to not be ok, no matter what your situation is. I guess that’s the point of my writing this. I want to say I’m not ok right now. I will be fine, but right now I’m struggling. I think it’s important to be forthcoming in times like this. I hope there will be a financial bail out for my friends. I hope we won’t need to shut down more of our day to day lives. I hope so many things, but right now I’m focusing on what I can control about today. And today, I hope I get some of this mess cleaned. And maybe clearing my home will also help to clear my mind.