nine.

May 2005. What did we know?!

“I sure am glad it isn’t ______ years ago today!” Those are the words my mom used to say to my sister and me on each birthday. I’m sure I’ve told this story before, but it bears repeating, if only to show you what a fucking horrible thing that is to say to a child. In my mind, I was always sure she meant, “I sure am glad I don’t have to go through labor and delivery again.” Though, having been through it twice, even that doesn’t make much sense to me. On the morning of my eldest daughter’s ninth birthday, I am thinking about those words. 

Nine years ago today I became a mother for the first time. In some ways it seems like just yesterday, and in others it seems like a lifetime ago.  In nine years I have worried more than I ever thought humanly possible. I have cried and laughed and felt love in ways I didn’t ever know existed. But it’s also been really, really hard, and there have been times I’ve wanted to pack up and run away. I know that every mother has those moments – whether she admits to them in public or not – but for me, those moments have been the ultimate test of my character. I’m certain I’m not doing the best job. Just yesterday, another mom emailed about a spelling list that her son had left at school and was super upset that he couldn’t study for Monday’s spelling test…did I have the words to share? So. Apparently there’s a spelling test each Monday in 3^rd grade. There are TWO MORE WEEKS of school and I’m just finding this out. I suppose Lucy’s done just fine without being made to study, but these are the kinds of things I NEVER thought I’d be held accountable for…things I now beat myself up for not knowing about. It’s ridiculous in the grand scheme of things, but still.

I try to live each day with my girls enjoying every moment, because I know it goes by fast. Hello? Nine years? Sometimes enjoying the moment means letting go of other things. My house isn’t as clean as yours, I can guarantee, and Steve can, too. My kids might eat chicken nuggets 4 nights a week, but we are eating as a family. I am tired of trying to live up to standards that are unattainable even on my best days as a mother. I can’t do it all, and some days I wonder what my girls will remember about my mothering them. I know what I hope they will remember, and that is that I will always listen to them because I truly believe that what they have to say is important, that there is something funny to be found in almost every situation, and that I think they are the funniest, bravest, most amazing people on earth. I’ve had enough therapy to know that I am doing the best I can, and telling my kids on each birthday that I’m so incredibly glad they were born is a good start. 

May 2014 HBD, LBW!

a new normal?

Well hello there, stranger! Remember me? Today at a staff meeting, a coworker told me to Google my name and I did, and up popped my blog. I was all, “wait! I have a blog!” I mean, I knew I did, of course, but it’s been a great long while since I’ve visited this ghost town. I started thinking about why that might be and here’s what I’ve decided…ready? I am happy. For the first time in a VERY long time, I am genuinely happy with life and I haven’t needed the outlet of my writing to get me through. I know that maybe sounds backwards – now is the time I should probably be writing more just because I have more time and I’m in such a better place. Instead I’ve been reading. And hanging out with my family – turns out they’re pretty cool when I’m getting enough sleep and not knee deep in grad school. I’ve been working out and watching what I eat – I’ve lost EIGHT pounds. That’s like the size of a newborn baby, which is equal parts gross and inspiring. I have way more to lose, but there’s nothing like eight pounds to give me a little motivation. I’ve been laughing more. I love my job and I love the kids I teach.

I sound like a commercial for Zoloft – but I think it’s just because I spent the last four years of my life so caught up in a million other things for other people, I forgot what it’s like to take time for me. So this is just me saying hello. I hope to be back here more regularly. I’d like to start writing again, this time for fun, not just to let off pent up frustration. In the meantime, here’s some photos you’ll find when you Google my name, which are weird, and also seem pretty timely. Oh! Also? I just scrolled down to read the last post and you should know Steve and I are taking a trip. By ourselves. Watch out, Vegas.