Quarantine: Week 2

Today has been hard. The girls have been with their dad since last Wednesday, and it’s just been me and Gregg here at my house. It’s been a LOT of alone time for me. I love being alone, don’t get me wrong. I think I went about 8 years where I was never alone for a single minute, so I’ve learned over the last several years post-divorce to really savor my alone time. But. I’m not a fan of mandated alone time, and I think that’s the difference now. I thrive when I’m surrounded by people. I get ideas from other people, I am used to being in the middle of a huge group of little people, or a group of teachers. I’m used to having at least one night a week where I’m out with friends. We have a standing monthly meetup with friends that we call our Sunday Funday group. My point is that all of this alone time is really starting to wear on me. I am currently on a group text with 10 people that would typically make me lose my mind. TEN PEOPLE. Three weeks ago, a group text with ten people would make me stab someone. But those other 9 ladies have been like a lifeline for me this week, and I love the way we’ve managed to stay connected and invested in each other during this time. It has helped me more than I even realized before writing this. 

I spent much of the day in the basement for the first time since last Friday. Over the weekend, I decided to take a break from the cleaning for my mental health, but I'd also tweaked my back in some way so I really wanted to rest it. Today I was back at it, and it’s taking me way longer than I’d anticipated. There are about 40 Rubbermaid tubs in the basement. You’d think that would mean it's organized. Nope. I’ve had to go through every single one of them, because in the first three I dug through, I found really important family photos and memories that need to be saved. The other 99% of the tubs are garbage. Literal garbage. But since I now know there could be important things hiding, I’ve decide to go through each mother fucking tub. So yes, that has not only taken more time, it’s taken WAY more emotional space than I’d anticipated. Emotional space that should be held right now for being alone during a quarantine. Emotional space that might be used for wondering what the fuck is actually going on in the world and how we’ll all get through this. Suffice it to say, I’m spent. I’ve found great things. Photos. Letters. All of the little intricate puzzle pieces that make my story mine. And that, frankly, has been a lot to take on this week. I hadn't realized maybe how much until tonight.

One of the highlights of the last week and weekend has been a nightly Facebook live show from my favorite songwriter, Travis Meadows. If you’ve not heard him, please do yourself a favor and click on his name right back there – read about his story. Travis is doing a “Hope Cast” each night on social media, and while I’ve loved all of them, tonight it was exactly what I needed. His music really spoke to me and this place I’m in right now. This place we are all in right now. He sang Amazing Grace first. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard that song without having a full on ugly cry. It’s just so beautiful and brings back so many memories for me. And so, tonight I had an ugly cry. I think I needed it. Then, he sang Old Ghosts. I’m going to try to link the video for you below. So often I say, “I believe in things that I can’t see” about stuff that happens to me, and that is a line from this song. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the old ghosts I’ve been digging up this week in my basement. There is stuff that is ready to be thrown out, and there are old ghosts hiding in those tubs that have made me exactly who I am today. Tonight, Travis said, “While we are going through this fire, let it refine you – work on yourself.” I’m trying to do just that, and though the timing might be bad, or probably even just a little stupid in these first weeks of quarantine, I know I’ll be thankful in the end.

Later, he said, “Call your friend who’s an asshole. It was his fault, but he’s not gonna call you.” And those are some good words of advice, as well.

Heading into week two of quarantine. Week one of full on shelter in place in KCMO. I wish you well, my friends, and please know you’re not alone in this mess.