Quarantine. Week 1

My kids are still asleep. In my bed, no less, with the dog. This is the new normal, I guess. No school.  “Working” from home. We are now in complete pandemic mode. And I’ll be honest? If this virus doesn’t take me down, my anxiety about it will. I was told I should write about it, so here is my attempt at that. I’m fucking freaked out, y’all. I’m not so worried that I will contract the virus – though when Gregg was here last night and began talking about his allergies, I went full on crazy mode in my head thinking about WHAT IF IT’S NOT ALLERGIES?? I have to stop looking at the news.

I’m trying to take things in stride. Once I found out that I wasn’t going to have to use my new and not very plentiful PTO time to cover this mess, and I would still get paid, I could relax a little. When this stuff began happening – SO quickly – it was suggested to me that I’d have to take my leave to cover time off. I’ve been at my job for 9 weeks. I hardly even know what I’m doing there yet, and I certainly don’t have PTO build up. On the other hand, I’ve also finally gotten myself into a financial situation that doesn’t make me want to jump out of a window every month, and the news of this quarantine made me worry that that would also go out the window. I should be ok financially…if I turn off the one-click Amazon shopping.

I’m trying to teach the girls some new things while we are all here together. Lucy is learning to cross stitch, and Zoe wants to needlepoint. We’ve watched movies and had meals together. I feel like I work in a really small and not very good restaurant, I’m cooking so much. We’ll all probably gain a thousand pounds in the next weeks and months. I’m not worrying about school. It’s my livelihood, education, but I’m not someone who thinks the actual four walls of school is where the learning has to happen. You want to learn? Bake something. Learn a new craft. Write a story. Hell, play a video game. I said it. My kids have mastered the Nintendo and I believe that takes a lot of math, and spatial awareness, and also stamina. I think those are skills that will serve them well, despite the nerdery it took to build them.  

I had a dumpster delivered today. My timing is spectacular, of course. My friends have been offering to help me with a basement overhaul for YEARS, and I picked the one time they’re all at home and can’t help. I also picked perhaps the most emotionally charged activity to do during the most anxious time I’ve had in years. Smart. My basement is still full of Steve’s things. I’ve created paths around it for years and haven’t let myself look too closely at the tubs and boxes of shit because I knew how angry and resentful it would make me. It’s time to get over that and get rid of the stuff. I have ghosts living in this house and it’s beyond time to get them out of here. So, that’s what I’m doing while we are quarantined.

I am trying to see this as a time to put my life back together, not as the time when it all falls apart. There’s a fine line between the two, really. I’m trying not to look too far ahead. I’m lucky in that I have a job where I can work from home and I will continue to get paid. But I have an abundance of friends who either work in the service industry or own their own businesses. I can’t imagine the stress they are under right now. I feel selfish for writing about my anxiety, but I think it’s important to value everyone’s struggle right now. Mine isn’t not valid because someone else has it worse. It’s ok to not be ok, no matter what your situation is. I guess that’s the point of my writing this. I want to say I’m not ok right now. I will be fine, but right now I’m struggling. I think it’s important to be forthcoming in times like this. I hope there will be a financial bail out for my friends. I hope we won’t need to shut down more of our day to day lives. I hope so many things, but right now I’m focusing on what I can control about today. And today, I hope I get some of this mess cleaned. And maybe clearing my home will also help to clear my mind.