george romero was on to something

I lived up to my end of a deal today and took Lucy to…the mall. Yes, the mo-frackin’, dirty ass mall, y’all. I hate the mall. I LOATHE the mall. But my baby girl has been holding in her poops again (she did this during potty training and I will spare you any more talk of it, I promise NOT to be that mom) so I had to bribe her bowels into motion with a trip to the Disney Store. Why can’t the Disney Store be located on its own, in a strip mall or in its own building???? Did I mention I hate the mall?

First, let me just say to the dirty bitch from Texas who totally jacked my parking space, you should be happy my children were in the car because I should have come after you and slapped you in your big hair poof.  So, we park in north Texas and dodged speeding cars on our way into the mall. Why are people constantly in such a mad rush? The Gap has plenty of jeans.  When we get inside, we decide that the recession is either completely over or never happened at all.  How can the economy be that bad when there are 8 million people at the mall on a Saturday afternoon?

I would just like to share a few of the things I witnessed today. First, there was a pair of maybe 15 year-old girls walking toward me with neon skin-tight shirts on that said, “LOOK AT ME!”  As if there was some sort of alternative. One was about 34 pounds soaking wet and the other had clearly been eating all of her friend’s food for the past six years.  Mothers.  Please do your daughters a favor and teach your girls what is appropriate and what is disgusting.  Your daughter can be both heavy and appropriate, this is not a comment on weight. Rather, it is a comment on people who think it’s cute to look like they are hiding a life preserver under their neon shirts.  It’s gross.  I saw a cowboy dressed entirely in KU regalia. No kidding, even a bright blue leather Jayhawk vest.  I witnessed more young children misbehaving than I care to recount – and as many parents ignoring that terrible behavior.   Also? I’m thinking that the US military has it all wrong. Osama Bin Laden is totally hiding in a shopping mall. He HAS to be – where else would he be so safe and blend in so well?

People will buy just about anything. For real. Package up a turd with a bow and you can sell it to some sucker.  Pillows that look like stuffed Zebras, leopard print EVERYTHING, swimwear in JANUARY, some sort of learn a second language CD program, a ride on some sort of bungy jumping swing (would you really trust the mall with your life???). If we spent as much time doing useful, meaningful work as we do spending a shit load of money on crap, the world would be a much better place. This, from the mother who bribed her daughter to take a dump by buying her a stuffed cat. Wait. Nevermind.